The Battle of Orc's Tooth
by missmalaprop
Summary: An epic in the grand style of Beowulf about how the Orcs were saved from their dental problems


Book 1  
It was beautiful day, sunny and bright.  
No rain in the sky and clouds pearly white.  
And all through the land  
Not a creature was stirring..  
Except for the Fellowship  
Toiling forever on and on  
Until.one morning, a cause appeared  
Out of the blue, and unseemingly urgent,  
It happened thus in manner strange.  
As Treebeard stomped through open range,  
Gravely intoning with thunderous voice  
"Little Orcs, Little Orcs, get out of my wood"  
Having taken offense, Pippin seethed,  
"We are no Orcs-for, look at our teeth!"  
Merry joined in with "Not a fang, or dangling tooth in sight.  
Our teeth are not grimy, but clean and white!"  
"True, true,' replied Treebeard ever so slowly.  
"But something must be done about this whole quandry.  
There must be a cure-Sauron MUST provide dental care!  
I demand it! But what shall be done?"  
At which point, Joanna the Brave  
And Melanie the Fearless charged in  
On beautiful steeds, tails flowing in the wind,  
Cried in unison, "A quest, we hear?  
A quest we beg--to save the Orcs  
From cavities and assorted tooth ailments!  
They're treading a dangerous, slippery slope-  
We should start scrubbing the grime off with soap!"  
So, off they embarked, the two girls, brave and true.  
Leaving the poor hobbits to Treebeard's great brew. (The  
Entwash)  
Book 2  
These two fearless lasses continued their trek  
Until they spotted a pile of Uruk Hai.  
Burning in the plains of Rohan,  
Land of Eomer and Eowyn  
And all the other Eo-people.  
Jo and Mel could faintly see  
The outlined forms, back to a tree.  
For those far-off figures were  
Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Legolas, prince of Mirkwood,  
And Gimli, son of Gloin, who looked awfully short,  
Compared to his companions.  
"All hail, fellow travelers," Aragorn shouted,  
"What brings you here, you look not of this place."  
"We are not," responded the Brave and the Fearless.  
"We have come to rid the world of the Orc's bad teeth.  
It must be done.  
Make no mistake, this is no easy task.  
But we fear neither pain nor injury  
And our grand, valiant deeds  
Will leave yours trailing in the dust!  
The light of Jo and Mel will ne'er wax and wane  
While the Orcs of Orthanc still have bad breath!"  
At this proclamation, the three members  
Of the Fellowship, fainted dead away.  
Book 3  
As the stout-hearted lasses traveled on,  
In circles they were going,  
they believed they were lost.  
When all of a sudden, a creature appeared.  
Hissing, and slinking, a ghastly thing.  
When closer he came, creepily grinning,  
And asked if the girls would care for directions.  
"Yes!"they asserted, happy once more,  
and sat down to listen to Gollum's great words.  
"take a left-no a right, go down the rock stairs."  
Then, all a sudden, Gollum's wide-eyed stare  
Turned into a most loathsome glare.  
His voice took on a new, hard timber,  
As he tried his hardest to hinder  
The Quest of Joanna and Melanie.  
He spoke again, in a hissing tone,  
"No, noo, noo, followses, instead,  
the trail of the oliphaunt's bone.  
That shall take where you need to go  
And remember, needs must have you reap what you sow."  
"Oh no, cried the girls, "you surely don't mean  
That we'll get *gasp* bad and terrible teeth?"  
Then, recovering swiftly from such a great shock,  
The girls jumped on their horses who stomped their fetlock.  
"Thanks for your help, dear Gollum, good friend,  
but before we go, we must ask you one question.  
A riddle! Here goes: What's the differe..?"  
As soon as Jo had said the word 'riddle'  
Gollum disappeared, as the girl's giggled  
All alone, he smirked and whined "I've gotten them lost!  
'cuz no one makes fun of Gollum without some sort of cost!"  
Book 4  
Soon it came clear, Gollum's directions were faulty  
So they sat down to eat Lembas, which were terribly salty.  
"Alas," cried the lasses, "For what can we do?  
We're stranded-alone-and feeling all blue  
Our quest stands on the edge of a knife  
And we're constanly feeling rife with strife!"  
"Not alone!," yelled a voice from far and away  
"For we, Frodo and Sam, have met you this day!"  
"Aha! Melanie cried, "I am no longer the shortest!"  
Shaking their heads with consternation, Frodo and Sam  
Asked why the two lasses were walking the land.  
"It is no mere walk," thus spoke the two,  
"For we have come to form a great coup.  
Down with the Orcs and down with their teeth!  
Over hill, under dale, through lake and through heath  
We've come to root out every single Orc fang.  
Whether we go out with a whisper or out with a bang  
We will succeed in our quest  
And everyone will agree with zest  
That Jo and Mel are simply the best!  
Now, don't get us wrong  
We think you guys are great  
But once we are through  
The Orcs will no longer fight  
And so what's the point of having the ring bid a final adieu?"  
"I agree," said Frodo, "we shouldn't throw away the ring"  
"No," said Sam, "We HAVE to!" "No, we don't!," "Yes we do!"  
Before the argument could get any further  
Jo and Mel had departed with a final wave  
And a hearty "Good luck!" to the two weary travelers  
And left Frodo and Sam to continue their bicker.  
Book 5  
Having rode many days and many nights  
Jo and Mel were ready for the glory of battle  
A few more miles to Orthanc  
And then their mighty plan would be put to the test.  
If they failed, it would be a sore defeat.  
All the world would be plunged into a second darkness  
But if they were successful, Middle Earth would be happy  
Elves, Ents, Men, and Dwarves would all unite  
In joy that Orcs would no longer have such unsightly fangs.  
As the two rode through the gates of Isengard,  
They thought it quite dumb of Lord Saruman  
To leave no gate keeper to guard.  
They soon found the reason, though,  
As the ventured further into his territory.  
The smell was dreadful, pungent.  
Worse than anything before or since.  
It smelt worse than 20 horsestables  
And the pig pen was truly a walk in the park in comparison  
The gagged, they wheezed-  
The smell almost knocked them off their feet.  
But, recovering slightly, they rapped politely on Orthanc's door  
"Lord Saruman, please come out and speak with us.  
We bring aromatic scents and lovely perfumes to freshen your tower."  
Now, while he was a evil wizard,  
Saruman did appreciate the finer things in life  
And hearing this speech, knocked over his eager Orc henchman  
In all haste, to get some scents  
Which would bring some relief to being surrounded by dirty, stinkin'  
Orcsies  
But when he came to the door,  
Jo and Mel, bearing no scents  
Took their oh-so-heavy AAIP pocketbooks  
Swung them by the shoulder strap with a mighty strength  
And knocked the evil wizard  
Out cold on the floor.  
Taking the tower, the two stout-hearted lassies  
Called an assembly to teach the Orcs  
Proper hygiene and dental care  
"You MUST use a toothbrush!  
They're invaluable and, are, in fact,  
Wonderful weapons to take into battle.  
If you brandish a toothbrush, you always win!  
Three cheers for winning, three cheers for the toothbrush,  
AND THREE CHEERS FOR DENTAL CARE!!!!"  
At this point, the Orcs all raised their arms in the air  
Chanting "Give us toothbrush, give us toothbrush."  
"Friends, Orcs, Countrymen, lend me your teeth!,"  
Jo and Mel yelled again. "Pay us heed!  
It does not all end with just the toothbrush.  
There is wonderful floss, and sweet tasting mouthwash.  
Just think, instead of being bent on destruction and terror  
You could instead focus on returning your teeth  
To their former beauty!  
Work on those teeth, they won't fail you now!!!!!!"  
Thus inspired, the Orc were given many a brush  
To work on beautific smiles.  
Within 7 days there was a marked improvement  
For their teeth no longer looked like dirty cement.  
Instructed with patience  
By Joanna the Brave and Melanie the Fearless  
The Orcs became kinder and gentler,  
Their teeth sparkled, and they'd no longer battle  
For fear of getting their teeth dirty  
Or getting their incisors knocked out.  
Oh, dreadful day! Oh woeful night  
If ever such a terrible thing came to pass!  
Book 6  
As the Fellowship (minus Frodo and Sam, still bickering)  
Gathered together to fight the Orcs at Pelennor Field  
Fear struck their hearts.  
They did not know if they could win against such smelly beasts  
But, the Orcs marched down,  
Carrying a heaily perfumed white flag.  
And they said, with voices rich and cultured  
"We come not to make war,  
but instead, to show you the miracle that has appeared to us."  
And, flashing a disarming grin, the Orcs said  
"We were visited by two brave maidens,  
Joanna the Brave and Melanie the Fearless,  
Who showed us how to take  
Proper care of our teeth.  
They are no longer grimy and scummy,  
But pretty and pearly white.  
So, do not fight us, for we are redeemed!  
Our teeth are as pretty as yours now!  
Let us not fight but make peace!  
(And then we'll show you how to whiten YOUR teeth!)"  
The Elves, Ents, Men and Dwarves  
All considered this speech  
And found it good and noble and true.  
Thus, Pelennor Field was the site,  
Not of a terrible battle,  
But of a grand party for the Orcs  
At having whitened and brightened their lovely smiles.  
And for the two fair lasses,  
Jo the Brave and Melanie the Fearless  
Who had wrought this remarkable change. 


End file.
